On A Personal Note...
I posted a yooge post (sorry, I have to say "yooge" since The Apprentice is back on) on BFD today regarding a depressing article in today's New York Times. I just want to reassure everyone (and myself) that it doesn't mean I am going to throw in the towel and say, "Well, I've already lost 10%! That must be good enough!" or anything like that.

The Core eating plan really helps focus the attention where it should be: on eating healthfully. (She says, pinching her fat rolls.) I really need to go get my cholesterol checked too. I bet it's lower since I've been eating all this oatmeal. (The package says it lowers cholesterol, and the packaging wouldn't lie!)

My point is, I'm not going to believe that the benefits of weight loss are questionable. At the very least, it allows me to fit in cute clothes and roller-coaster seats and gives me more ease of movement. But I can only imagine that it's having plenty of health benefits apart from that. I mean, I refuse to believe that "weight loss improves health" is a MYTH.

And as for the idea that you can't lose weight and keep it off permanently, I look to my weight-loss heroes: Janis and Juju and Linda. Each of them lost approximately 100 pounds and kept it off, and I don't think any of those girls would say it wasn't worth it or that they aren't healthier. Thank god I've got their examples to follow.
- posted by mo @ 10:20 AM

 
Nonsensical Theories
I have developed a number of completely irrational weight-loss theories. For instance, that pinching my fat rolls will "dissolve" the fat molecules and cause me to lose weight faster. Or that if I wake up in the morning with skanky breath, that means I have lost weight overnight. (Because fat is excreted in the breath and the urine, and I assume that fat breath is worse than regular breath.) Or that if my stomach itches, it means it is shrinking AT THAT VERY MOMENT.

This obsession with my current weight loss is obviously not the healthiest mental place for me to be. Ideally, I should be focusing on incorporating Core eating into my life as a lifelong, long-term thing, not worrying if I have lost weight from one night to the next or how accurate my scale is or if there's a such thing as "fat breath."

I guess I am trying to keep the momentum going until I have gone below my previous lowest weight (which was 211; I am currently weighing in at 215) and reached my 209 goal weight. If I can figure out a way to keep the momentum but lose the weird obsessiveness, that would be fantastic, wouldn't it?
- posted by mo @ 9:18 AM

 
This Week's (Non) Weigh-In
I got up extra-early on Saturday morning, after a late night on Friday, to take Ian to the airport. I got home at seven something, two hours before my WW meeting, and decided to take a nap. And the nap was good. And the nap took four hours. And lo, I missed my WW meeting.

According to my home scale I was down a pound. Which seems unlikely, because I didn't eat so well this past week. Then again, my pants are fitting a little looser this morning. (After starving myself all weekend, which was bad of me.) This week I am trying to get back on the Core plan and eating actual food. Then next weekend, I'll see how I'm doing in terms of actual weight on the actual scale.

P.S. If I am losing weight, why is Flappy getting flappier? It's very unfair. I may have to start doing crunches.
- posted by mo @ 9:36 AM

 
Week-In-Progress
Last night I treated myself to a Bad Mood Burger. Or maybe an Amazing Race Finale Burger. Not only was it good good good, but according to the scale this morning, I have already lost a pound this week. Thanks, scale! You are a good friend!

I am continuing right along, eating Coreily. (Coreily, cor-eh-lee, adj. "In a manner that adheres to the Weight Watchers Core Foods Plan.") I am sort of at a loss as to what to have for lunch. Maybe I will do what I did last week, buy an overpriced salad from the person who comes around to our office every Wednesday. I didn't go grocery shopping last night nor did I pack food. I am a bad planner.

I am slightly concerned about eating on Friday. We are having a big company party, this time in the form of a cruise around the bay. There will be a martini bar and tons of food. Fortunately there will also be a DJ and dancing. And a driving range with biodegradable balls. (My company is nuts. There's also a roll-your-own-cigar bar.) Maybe if I do enough of the activities, I can earn some Martini Points!

Yeah, definitely a salad today. Definitely.
- posted by mo @ 10:07 AM

 
My Blog, My Substitute For Therapy
I am having one of "those" days. Everything feels off and wrong. As the day progresses I feel fatter and lumpier and just... not pretty. It could be hormones, I guess. Flappy (my anthropomorphic roll of fat) has awakened and wants a fried sesame ball. Flappy always gets more demanding when the hormones are in the mix. I guess that must be what's wrong with me but it doesn't help. I am whiny and cranky and I HATE EVERYTHING.

Okay, I feel slightly better. Thanks!
- posted by mo @ 3:27 PM

 
Hungry Now
I made a list of all the non-Core stuff I ate this weekend. Scary! It was somewhere between 50-55 points worth of ice cream and fast food on the road and dinner with the fam, even though I thought I was making reasonably good choices. I wish "it could have been worse" was a legitimate dieting strategy, don't you?

I have this theory (and it's less of a theory and more of a lifestyle choice) that I can splurge on the weekends, because Monday and Tuesday are official Days of Atonement for the weekends, and then Wednesday through Friday are Diet Days where the weight for the week actually comes off. It may sound ridiculous, but if I ate those same 55 points spread out over the week, I would gain. This way, I hope I will lose. It's worked before!

I am feeling weird and lumpy again today, but in that uncomfortable "my body is changing AAAAH" way that means I'm probably losing weight this week. Yesterday I didn't eat a single non-Core thing. Today I don't know. I do know that I'm quite ravenous at the moment and it's not even lunchtime. I've already had porridge and coffee and fruit, so why am I still hungry?

(It just occurred to me that I am probably hungry because I didn't really have dinner last night and went to bed hungry. So maybe I will go and have an extra helping of porridge and not feel bad about it.)
- posted by mo @ 11:27 AM

 
Weigh-In
I didn't get a chance to report on the weigh-in because I went to the extra-early meeting (at SEVEN IN THE MORNING, that's how dedicated I am) and then left for Los Angeles right after that. I was feeling super skinny and was surprised that I hadn't lost more than 1.6 pounds. But hey, 1.6 pounds! That's exciting!

I burned all my extra points this weekend, with big family dinners and the Balboa ice cream bar of my childhood. Mmm. Which is fine, because I am now extra-motivated for the week. And I am having a busy Monday so I must scoot. More later.
- posted by mo @ 10:00 AM

 
Still Not King Skinny
I have been largely (PARDON THE PUN! HA HA!) diligent about my diet for at least three days. But I just checked, and I am not skinny yet. This strikes me as very unfair.

Also unfair is the fact--and this is something nobody ever tells you--that losing weight is sometimes worse for your body image than remaining blissfully, ignorantly, a larger size. Because once your body starts to change, you really start paying attention to it. I've seen so many people deal with this, and I've dealt with it myself. You get impatient and less tolerant of your flaws, at least until the positive changes start to outweigh (PARDON THE PUN AGAIN!) the bad. By, like, a lot.

You can also become bitter when the weight comes off in patterns that you don't like, possibly creating WEIRD ROLLS where none existed before. And you're hyper-aware of the whole thing, so you think about it way too much. And that's annoying too!

I currently have a fat roll that I am trying to "send away with love" as one weight-loss guru hippie woman put it. The way you send your fat away with love is to look in the mirror at it and say things like "Thank you for being part of my body, now go away!" or something like that. My roll is named Flappy and it likes cookies.

I bet I'll be totally skinny by tomorrow.
- posted by mo @ 11:35 AM

 
Food Discovery
I saw in the WW materials that Gardenburgers were considered Core, so a couple of weeks ago I picked up some up. Last night before going grocery shopping I figured I'd better eat a little something, so I heated up a Gardenburger patty, put some ketchup and fancy Dutch mustard on the plate, and ate it via the "cut up and dip" method. And it was damn good! I waited a few minutes and then decided I was still hungry and had a second one.

The best part is that Gardenburgers have 10 grams of protein in each one and are only 1 point, if you are doing Flex! I had two patties for dinner, went grocery shopping, and then came home and fixed up some edamame for a snack. (A good snack to have while watching a movie, like, say, Ella Enchanted which was my most recent Netflix flick.)

I also bought some oats to bring to work with me, so I could make a bowl of porridge as a snack every so often. A bowl is 3 points, very filling, and delicious with some fruit (like the big fat organic blueberries from Trader Joe's) and Splenda (SPLENDA HEAD LIKE PORRIDGE! FEED SPLENDA HEAD!) mixed in. In fact, I am eating it right now. Mmm mmm.
- posted by mo @ 10:37 AM

 
Control Freak
The positive side of gaining weight (this week I gained 1.4 pounds) is that I always feel better knowing that someone else is struggling with the weight loss thing, and dealing with setbacks. So now I can do that for you, make you feel better! Isn't that a bright side?

I learned something this week, which is that the Flex Points plan is not where my head is at right now. I need to be doing the Core. I tried to Flex it up this week because I had a lot of Uncontrollable Eating Events. But the UEEs were not helped by the fact that I was eating Flex the rest of the time. It made me feel out of control and stressed about eating, which in turn made me binge. One or two non-Core meals-- that wasn't the killer. It was the loss of control that was the killer.

This weekend I had two Uncontrollable Eating Events, but I feel fine about those. I am going to spend this week being as Core as can be, and I feel confident that come Saturday morning, I will register a loss. I hope I can re-lose those 1.4 pounds and maybe even a little more on top. But any loss would be fine with me, and if I can get back in control, that's the most important thing of all.
- posted by mo @ 11:20 AM

 
Slacking
Work got pretty nuts right all in there. I thought I was going to have a lot more free time all of a sudden, if you catch my drift. I have no doubt I would have used that free time to go to the gym and cook healthful foods, not to sit on the floor with a tub of ice cream and a soup ladle, weeping.

But hey, it looks like that's not happening. But while I thought bad things were happening, there was panic. There was the not handling well of the panic. There were bagels.

I would say that it's not been an overly good week. I am hoping to maintain my loss this week by sheer force of will. Do you think that ever works?
- posted by mo @ 10:09 AM

 
Journal Quote of the Day

"I was thinking of all the motivational things that help me get through the 'craving traps' that I seem to have.  Here is an honest admission: the thing that motivates me the most is how different people in my life will react when I lose the weight.  And I ain't talking about how my husband will be thrilled for me either- I am talking about the others who will drop their jaw and have to shove their judmental remarks right up their own fat asses."

This post might not be PC,but it just cracks me up anyway.
- posted by mo @ 2:47 PM

 
Ow
Woah boy, my archives sure are effed up, aren't they? Anyway, as my effed-up archives reveal, my last gallbladder attack was in June of 2003. I had another one last night. They are now so infrequent that they come less than once a year. Pretty good! Except that they HURT like--pardon me--a motherfucker. I had to take three Advil and watch two episodes of Three's Company before I could get to sleep.

I don't know what brought it on except eating too much fat. I am doing Flex Points this week (or I was; I am thinking that I like Core much better, as it does not result in my writhing in pain) and I think I made some poor choices. Such as: at my work, they handed out ice cream bars because it was a hot day. Everyone else had an ice cream bar so I wanted one too. And after all was said and done, I remembered I don't even like ice cream bars that much. Lesson learned.

Today has been Core so far and I think I will try and keep that going this week. We'll see how it goes. It's not easy, but it is such a good way to eat, and it feels very right to stick with it.
- posted by mo @ 1:16 PM

 
Core Success
Today was my weigh-in day and I lost 2.4 pounds this first week on Core! Yay! I have to celebrate that number as much as possible because my new weight does not excite me (it is still five pounds over my lowest weight) and it is going to take me at least five weeks to reach my mini-goal of 209 pounds.

So let's rejoice in the fact that I lost 2.4 pounds this week, which included one total blow-out dinner (I had three pieces of cake) and the Asian Art Museum party (which wasn't so much food, but it WAS non-Core). The rest of the week I was very diligent. Most days I used only one Flex Point, if that. (On Friday I treated myself to a small Mocha Light Frappuccino for three Flex Points. It was delicious.)

So on Core, as on the Flex Plan, I do not have to be perfect in order to lose weight. I just have to be mostly perfect! That's fine by me.

I was looking at my previous Weight Watchers records to see what my highest losing streak has been. Twice, I have lost weight steadily for six weeks in a row. That's my best record. I'm hoping that I hit six weeks this time, or maybe even seven! That means I would lose steadily and at the end of it have reached (with any luck) my 209 pound goal.

It's nice to see that the loss on Core is comparable to the loss on Flex. If I had a good week (as I did this week) I could expect to see approximately a 2.5 pound loss. I'm unfortunately not one of those lucky campers who loses three pounds at a time; nor am I someone who works her ass off to lose half a pound.

Best of all, I felt satisfied and happy with my eating this week. It took effort to eat Core (mostly not even mine, as my beloved cooked breakfast and dinner a lot of days) but if that's what it takes to not have that "Oops, I ran out of points! Might as well have a cheeseburger!" feeling, then it's worth it.

Yay for 2.4 pounds! Hooray!
- posted by mo @ 11:39 AM

 
Splenda Head
Ian was a little skeptical about Splenda. Especially the slogan that said "Made from sugar so it tastes like sugar," except it has no calories and isn't actually sugar. Sugar minus sugar equals...what? His theory was that after consuming enough Splenda, you would begin to mutate and sprout a Splenda Head.

At this point the Splenda Head has developed a voice and evocative hand gestures, but we are weird people. The reason I'm letting you peer into the window of my warped mind is this: in order to reassure him, I went to go do some research on Splenda. And it turns out SPLENDA HEAD IS REAL. Here are a bunch of links to Splenda-related articles.

I am totally sticking with sugar. No matter how much the Splenda Head growls at me. ("SPLENDA HEAD HUNGRY! MORE SPLENDA! ARRR!")

[Note: Jen Wade, who is a scientist, does not believe in Splenda Head. She is less gullible than me, so perhaps you should listen to her!]

[That was not very grammatically correct, was it? Of course I am a professional. I know the correct wording is that she is "fewer" gullible than me.]
- posted by mo @ 9:01 AM

 
All Smoke, No Fire
Well, yesterday's eating turned out to be okay in the end. I used two points for a veggie wrap for lunch and then had a little wine, cheese and food at the art party. But it wasn't enough non-Core food to constitute a derailment or anything like that. It was just a small meal and I feel fine about it.

Still, I was tense over it beforehand, which I don't much like. I need to be able to handle these situations and give myself permission to eat or not eat without feeling miserable over it. And I need to be able to trust myself to make the best possible choices in these situations.

In other news, I am feeling like this new diet (which I mean in the most literal sense, not in the finger-wagging sense) is going well. So far I haven't been too broken up over the loss of bread or even chocolate. I have been eating plenty of Core foods and feeling satisfied with that. And I think my body is reflecting that--I guess I'll find out how much on Saturday.

The sucky thing is that this is weight I have already lost once before. It's harder, mentally, the second time around. You feel like Sisyphus, pushing a boulder made of fat back up the hill. You have to fight against the feeling of futility even harder, I think. Stay up there, boulder of fat! I'm not letting you roll down again!

- posted by mo @ 9:25 AM

 
Social Eating Anxiety Disorder
I couldn't get to sleep right away last night. I was kind of panicking about today, because my eating will not be entirely under my control. I haven't even gone off the wagon yet and already I feel out of control. That in itself is worrisome.

I am having a lunchtime poetry workshop, and I am afraid that when faced with an array of sandwiches or whatever that I will cave in and eat non-Core things. Then for dinner I am going to a private reception at the Asian Art Museum. I will be hungry and there will be a lot of free food and champagne.

I panicked because I am not so good at dealing with public food situations, saying no to food. Maybe I should re-frame that statement into a positive. "I need to work on dealing with these types of situations, which I can totally handle if I put my mind to it." I have to remember that I am in control.

My lunch strategy is to eat my tuna salad and maybe some fruit before I go to the workshop. I can have some coffee there or a salad if I am still hungry, but at least it will take the edge off my hunger and make me feel more in control. For dinner, I don't know what to do. There is a knot in my stomach thinking about it.

So far Core has been easy for me. I haven't been craving anything; I've been satisfied; I've been eating good and filling meals. And I haven't been using any of my Flex Points, so theoretically I could use them tonight. But I had a big dinner-party-dinner on Sunday (which I enjoyed without guilt) and was sort of hoping to avoid using my Flex Points altogether to sort of counterbalance that.

And so we have it. My first challenge. To try and handle these social eating situations as gracefully as possible, and to not be too hard on myself if I use a few Flex Points in the process. I'll let you know how it goes.
- posted by mo @ 10:30 AM