Calmer
Just wanted to say I am calmer now. I stil have 13 points left for sushi. All is well.
- posted by mo @ 5:16 PM

 
Fuck You, Food Thief
There's a food theif at work, and it's really fucking with my head. Today, for instance, I had a roast turkey box lunch, and I went to the fridge only to find it stolen. (I had three Lean Cuisines stolen last week.)

Not having the cash or the time to go out and grab something, I almost ate an entire box of Girl Scout Cookies that was sitting in my desk. Losing that box lunch, my planned lunch, and not having anything else to eat really thew me for a loop. In addition, I was really upset and angry.

Lunch ended up being an apple, a tangerine, and a granola bar. I also had a bowl of raspberries with Cool Whip. I just went back for a second bowl, and I swear to god, within the last 15 minutes, someone took some of my Cool Whip. Unless I am losing my mind.

I already sent a pissed-off e-mail, and I guess I have to start keeping everything at home and just bringing a lunch bag every morning. But the fact of the matter is, I need that sense of control over my diet. If that sense of control is taken away, I start to freak out.

I'm glad I was able to keep it together, at least so far, but those Girl Scout Cookies are still in my desk, and I'm still upset, and pissed off, and hungry.

Fuck you, food thief. I needed that Lean Cuisine a hell of a lot more than you did. Not to mention: it was mine.
- posted by mo @ 2:27 PM

 
Week To Date
Monday and Tuesday I was under points both days, so that was good. (I think 22 points Monday, 25 points Tuesday.) Yesterday I decided not to count points, since one of my friends at work got married and we had a big lunch to celebrate (I got a seafood salad) and then champagne and Ben n' Jerry's ice cream cake.

When I got home I had a headache and was nauseous and craving junk food, so I got a McNugget Happy Meal. Not the worst choice in the world and it made me feel much better, but still, a lot of points considering the whole cake-champagne-lunch thing. That's what I get for not at least attempting to write down points.

Tonight I have sushi plans, so I'm going to try and stay way low on points until then. For some reason I feel very bloated today. It's like the weight does not want to come off anymore.

Oh, and my sore legs feel slightly better today! Two days ago I could hardly walk. I feel ridiculous. A sandcastle injury!
- posted by mo @ 9:04 AM

 
Weekend Antics
There is no way that this will not sound dirty, but the backs of my thighs are so sore. I was walking up the hill today after lunch with my peeps, and my calves and thighs started cramping. The only thing that could possibly account for this is the whole beach adventure as recounted in the journal today. Maybe it was bending to make the sand castle or running in the waves, or something. Anyway, ow. Different muscles. Pain.

This weekend I did one thing very pro-Ointy and one thing very anti-Ointy. The pro-Ointy thing was going to Berkeley Bowl and buying a supply of healthy snacks. Today I had a slice of this insane German rye bread. Each slice is as heavy as a brick, but it has 4g protein and 6g fiber, and it's pretty interesting tasting. Interesting good! I also had some tangerines and some snap peas.

The anti-Ointy thing was getting ice cream. I've never had a huge ice cream weakness, although a bowl of Rocky Road with round sprinkles used to be a favorite indulgence of mine. I wouldn't kick ice cream out of bed, but my big weakness these days is spelled C-O-O-K-I-E-S. The point is, I drove to San Francisco to get some ice cream, because if you're going to indulge, by god do it right. Deep dish apple pie ice cream. So, so, so, so, so, so good.

I feel so much better today. I don't feel the need to beat myself up over the ice cream, nor do I have the desire to starve myself. I simply came to work and made smart food choices.
- posted by mo @ 3:45 PM

 
Not So Bad
Yesterday went pretty well. I again skipped the morning Starbucks stop and had coffee and a bagel for breakfast. Those bagels are pretty satisfying for four points. (I had another one as a mid-afternoon snack.) I also had two apples, two sandwiches with Healthy Choice turkey, a granola bar, a Tootsie Pop, a serving of almonds (this time I counted them out first) and on the way home, a caramel macchiato. Total points: 25.

Today I have to do better (in terms of not eating so much during the day) because I have a sushi dinner planned. I think I will be realistic and aim for my maximum: 26 points plus my activity point for walking to work. No almonds or afternoon bagel and I should be able to do it.

This morning I weighed myself and had lost (if the Evil Number = X) X-4.5 pounds. I'm going to do the "official" weigh-in tomorrow, but those 4.5 pounds seem to have made the difference between me being comfortable and me being not comfortable. Today I am wearing my new cashmere shirt (part of the huge pile of Express clothes that Bruce brought me when he visited) and not only am I very, very soft, but I am not overly self-conscious about The Roll.

My current goal is to be at X-12 pounds. That will be my lowest weight to date and also a real milestone. So "only" 7.5 pounds to go. And the next time I look at someone who has "only" lost 10 pounds and I say something scornful about it, smack me in the head, will you?
- posted by mo @ 10:16 AM

 
Coping Mechanisms
Yesterday I had about 21 points total, and it was really difficult. I know I should be eating 26, but I feel this annoying need to punish myself for that stupid number on the stupid scale.

On the bright side, I have been skipping my morning cappuccino for the past couple of days, and having an "Americano" when I get to work. It's not nearly as good, but I tell myself that I can have coffee after work if I have the points left, and that compromise seems to be working out well in my own head.

Yesterday I went to the grocery store to get a few things. I can't find any reduced-calorie bagels, so I got the "toaster sized" ones from Sara Lee, in cinnamon-raisin flavor, and they are only three points each simply because they are smaller. (Weird note: my favorite bagels are poppyseed, and nobody -- NOBODY -- sells these pre-packaged. It is very strange.) With a tablespoon of lite cream cheese that is a 4-point breakfast. Great alternative if I don't feel like having cereal.

I also got some more Healthy Choice meats, and I had two sandwiches (two-point sandwiches) for lunch, plus an apple and a granola bar. I'm still hungry, but it could be worse!

Oh the other thing I did yesterday was go to the payroll department. Last time they handed out paychecks, they had a big bag of Tootsie Pops (yes, we get treats with our paychecks -- last time it was a donut buffet, the time before that was mini-candy bars....) and I think those are not incredibly high-calorie and last a long time. They had a whole bunch left, so I took a few.

I've been doing crunches and stretches and things in the evenings while watching TV. It's not as good as going to the gym, but it's a start. (I've been looking around for a good dance exercise video but haven't found anything yet. I also want something like Arms of Steel to help with the Arm Flab Situation.)

So anyway! Go me!
- posted by mo @ 1:12 PM

 
What's My Point?
The blog by the journalist who is eating at McDonald's for 30 days is pretty interesting. She's trying to debunk the "junk science" conclusions drawn by some people based on the "Super Size Me" documentary, which was supposedly meant to prove that McDonald's was evil or something. I don't completely agree with her or with the documentary guy, but as David Brent would say, "different points to be made."

As for me, I'm surprised that anyone can eat three meals a day and lose any weight at all. I am amazed at how much time I spend not-eating versus how much time I spend eating. The time I spend not-eating is often spent thinking about what I want to be eating, what I could be eating, what I should be eating, what I'm about to eat, and what I've just eaten.

I'm tired.
- posted by mo @ 12:28 PM

 
Week One Report
So, someone stole all my Lean Cuisines out of the fridge at work. Fuckers.

I lost one pound this week.

I decided that I'm going to need to exercise in order to get the scale moving again. Hopefully this week I will have time to go to the gym; if not, I'll do my kickboxing video at least twice. And maybe I'll rent some other fitness DVDs and see if they are any good!

Very busy at work, must fly!
- posted by mo @ 9:53 AM

 
Day Two
I ended up eating about 29-30 points yesterday, mostly my downfall was almonds. Damn those almonds. They go so quickly and have so many points. Tell me again why they're good for me? Tell me again how to eat 8 of them and then stop?

Anyway I had tangerine juice, a tall nonfat latte, Fiber One and milk, a 2-point sandwich, grape tomatoes, the Lean Cuisine, a fake "Smart Ones" cheesecake thing, ALMONDS, raspberries, graham crackers, a substandard grapefruit, more graham crackers, and three marshmallow peeps. Hmm.

Anyway, according to the scale, I have lost 3 pounds in 2 days. I can only imagine this is a weird fluctuation in water weight (the number on the scale is still high).

Today I am meeting a friend for lunch, so we'll see how that goes. I'm not sure where we're going to eat. Sushi would be a good bet, if she eats sushi, which I don't think she does. Maybe I'll find somewhere that serves salads. Now I have to try and stay out of the photo show -- that's when photographers and agents come to show us their work, and there are tables laden with breakfast pastries and things. I usually end up getting a bunch of fruit and a bagel. It's the bagel that's a bad idea.
- posted by mo @ 10:11 AM

 
Digging Deeper
"Food is my drug of choice. Food is what I turn to when I want my brain to shut off and leave me alone for awhile. I eat when my stomach is full. I keep eating past the point when my mouth feels raw and scraped. I eat until I simply can’t eat anymore and then I despise myself -- sometimes just a little and sometimes a whole lot."

Christina's entry today really resonated with me. (Not the least because Christina is an awesome person whom I have the great pleasure of knowing.) I am also an emotional eater, and I've also been known to binge. And once I've already "blown it" by eating seventeen Twinkies or whatever, which weren't even that good anyway, I just keep eating and eating in the hopes of filling the gaping "Food is Love" void within myself. And then I hate myself. I am really good at hating myself if I have lost control.

I should write about it when it happens, though. I think that will help. And while I'm at it, what I really want to figure out is why I can't get below 211 pounds. Am I sabotaging myself, or is it just external factors at work, or is it just that it's hard to do? Anyway at the moment I am not so much "close" to 211 pounds, which I guess is why it's "safe" for me to be eating my Lean Cuisines and avoiding the drawer full of skinny pants until I can get back into them again.

In conclusion, I will present my conclusions as soon as I figure out what they are.
- posted by mo @ 12:48 PM

 
Box Lunch Review: LC Honey Dijon Grilled Chicken
This looked so good based on the box that I almost bought two of them when I was at the store. It's "grilled white meat chicken strips in a honey-mustard sauce with green beans almondine." Well! The beans are great, the honey-dijon sauce is really yummy, and although the chicken was a little soft for my taste, this was indeed a worthwhile 5-point box lunch and I totally recommend it.

It is so much easier to eat right when I have a drawer full of healthy choices. Note to self.
- posted by mo @ 12:34 PM

 
Day One
Grande nonfat foamy latte (3)
Fiber One cereal with nonfat milk (2)
2 slices of Wonder Whole Wheat Light (1) with 3 slices Healthy Choice chicken breast (1)
Broccoli and chicken (4) with white rice (4) and half a cup of eggdrop soup (1)
Decaf Americano* (0)
2 lightly salted rice cakes (1)
1 cup organic frozen raspberries (1)
Santa Sweet tomatoes (0)
2 Honey light graham crackers (2)
1 apple (1)

TOTAL POINTS: 21

*After a lot of experimentation, I discovered that a half a cup of our strong Peet's coffee plus a half a cup of hot water is delicious! I call it my "Americano" although that's not properly what it is.

I'm also amending the whole "go to the gym" thing to "work out" because I'm not sure if I'll get to the gym this week. But as soon as I got home last night I broke out my old kickboxing video! (For a long time I literally have not had enough floor space to do exercise videos. A big positive on having a bigger space now!) I could get through the whole routine (which was NOT the case when I first started doing it; too bad I can't find my old entry about it...) and it felt good. I want to finally get one of those fun dance DVDs and try that out.

So anyway, I didn't eat enough exactly, but that's not going to kill me. A good day one! And now, day two...

- posted by mo @ 9:07 AM

 
Renewal
I guess Easter is a good a time as any to feel all full of renewal and vigor and determination, etc.

I weighed myself this morning and the number was every bit as scary as I had expected it to be! (Fortunately I can chalk some of it up to hormonal bloating, since I have the telltale sore breasts. I was in Walgreen's today checking out dietary supplements [I ultimately got one herbal supplement] and I saw water pills, which Janis takes, but I don't think that with my urinary problems that I should go there.) But I was already committed to getting back on the program this week, because I could tell that I was gaining.

Yesterday I went grocery shopping (not being prepared led to my downfall over the past few weeks, I'm certain) and I even came by my work yesterday (fortunately the building was open) to drop off six bags worth of groceries here. I have Fiber One, apples, grapefruit, yogurt, box lunches, rice cakes, graham crackers, bread, chicken breast, and god knows what all.

In addition to journaling my food and posting in Mr. Ointy every day, my other goal is to go to the gym one time this week. I have to figure out the logistics of this, but I have a gym membership through work and I'd like to use it. I need to figure out what I can do with my foot issue (bike riding is of course at the top of the list, but my bike needs a tune-up before it's safe to ride, and I doubt that will happen this week...) maybe just weight training, but I need that too!

Anyway, I'm rarin' to go and back on track at last! Expect a lot of posting this week.
- posted by mo @ 9:06 AM

 
Slacker
Well, I haven't so much been slacking as I have been very busy and out of it. It's been very strange to be living out of boxes in the garage, or at the houses of the accommodating and understanding Jens. Also Bruce was in town and we ate a lot. No, I mean, a lot. We also went and had a meal at Chez Panisse, which is the fancy schmancy restaurant to go to, and my lord was it wonderful.

I need to go grocery shopping. I have been unprepared, and I've gained back those five pounds again I think; I'm afraid to check, but I can tell. Today on the way in to work I bought an apple, a hard-boiled egg, some yogurt, some graham crackers, and some Oreos. Lunch, anyone?
- posted by mo @ 9:45 AM

 
Fat Just Disappears!
This article rules. I guess the reason I've been hovering at the same weight for six months isn't because I've been a slacker, but because I haven't been saying shit like, "I love myself, I love my body, and fat just disappears." Once I begin using this mantra, I am going to become the David Copperfield of dieting, what with the magical disappearance of my fat.

Or maybe I will be the diet world's answer to Stuart Smalley with, "I look nice, I am active, I am enough, and I count." Hee! I look nice! Maybe tomorrow I will shake things up and tell myself I am "not horrible" or "adequate" or "tolerated by others a lot of the time."

(Link swiped from mimi smartypants. Who looks nice.)
- posted by mo @ 11:32 AM

 
Nothing Overly Interesting
I've stopped thinking about my diet as much because I'm too busy thinking about my feet. This plantar faciitis (which is not warts; everyone thinks it's warts) is getting worse, and I think my new sneakers are too small, which doesn't help matters any. I've been doing the stretching exercises and stuff, and taking ibuprofen... sigh. I don't know. I need a pair of shoes that fits and supports my feet.

I have been so busy moving and things that I haven't been shopping this week. It sucks when I don't have fruit and things to snack on at work. I bought a fruit salad yesterday morning from a deli down the street, and it cost me almost $6! It was a great fruit salad, but it was small, and it was certainly not worth $6. I could get seven grapefruits for $6!

I've been going out a lot this week, and the reality is that if I eat three meals a day, I will go over points. Also that it is much harder to follow Ointyness if our department gets taken out for a fancy dinner on Monday, and then we have a big Mexican fiesta on Wednesday.

Sometimes I get tired of being so mindful all the time. I wish I could have a "get out of fat" card for busy weeks like this one.


- posted by mo @ 10:19 AM