I think I'm losing my mind. I'm doing this weird thing where I use all my FlexPoints at the beginning of the week and then "repent" at the end of the week and go under points. Yesterday, my dinner consisted of two bran muffins and I was two points under for the day. And I felt horribly fat.

I hope that once my schedule normalizes (yesterday I worked from 7am to 9pm) I will be able to plan lunches and make smart choices and blah blah instead of this weird completely unhealthy eating disorder mindset I have going on.

In other news, Janis has lost 86 pounds and is only 5 pounds away from her goal weight. I know that she was once where I am now; I know I am halfway to where she is; and I know 44 pounds is a lot of weight.

I am still envious of her success, and the rapidity with which she has lost all the weight.
- posted by mo @ 10:00 AM

 
Last night after posting the below I measured myself to see what was going on and my measurements stayed the same or (was it possible?) got bigger.

Then I took a shower and found myself thinking, as I shaved my legs, "I wonder how much this weighs?"

That's when I knew I was cracking!

I weighed in today at 2.0 pounds down. It was a huge relief, not the least of which because I now know that all this obsessing and fatness is only in my head, and I need to calm down and start behaving rationally.

Today for lunch: a turkey burger, I think. Something substantive and with protein. Actual meals, I will begin having. It will be a joy and a thrill.

I need coffee.

- posted by mo @ 11:24 AM

 
Mmm. Well, today I only had 20 points-- "punishing" myself for getting "fat" again or something. I have no idea what's going on-- or if it's in my body or my brain...

I feel like I had the worst week ever and like I am fat in places I haven't been fat for months and months. But looking at the numbers, I have had more good days than bad. Yes, I used my FlexPoints. I think that I hate the FlexPoints and the guilt that comes when you actually use them.

And I feel like my body is changing. I have no idea if its changing in the right direction or not. Like I said, I feel pudgy and fat. Weigh-in is tomorrow. And therefore I did not eat today.

Today, the only substantive food I ate was one bagel with cream cheese, one bran muffin, some turkey jerkey, and some string beans. All day. This is not normal, and considering how badly I need to be healthy for the next two weeks, it's not smart either.

I am currently living on coffee only. At work, we experimented by making an espresso Frappuccino with Turkish coffee in it. Do you have any idea how fucking good that was? Do you?!?

Sorry, I'm a little wired.

Anyway, I am going to weigh in tomorrow, and then I am going to have a turkey burger for lunch. Come hell or high water, I need some protein. (And also, some sleep. No more staying up watching A Mighty Wind and the DVD extras over and over and over.)


- posted by mo @ 9:31 PM

 
Wow, Shelly and I have almost the same measurements and stats. We're twins!
- posted by mo @ 2:06 PM

 
Friday: weigh-in day. Down 1.6 pounds for a total of 42 pounds lost overall. Finally, I am losing new weight instead of re-losing old weight!

I have to confess, I was disappointed. I thought the .6 last week was too low because I had such a dead-on week, and I avoided popcorn last night in expectation of seeing two weeks worth of reward. But alas!

On the positive side, I am still losing, and if I lose at least 1.2 pounds next week, I will finally be in the 210s instead of the 220s. May I remind everyone that I started in the 260s! (Note stats added to the sidebar.) So this is very exciting.

After the meeting I popped over to Ross to look for work pants. (Mine are clown pants. They are horrifying.) I am still in the weird limbo where I don't quite fit into "normal" but I am getting too small for "Fatty" and I can't find much that fits right now.

However, I found the nicest pair of tailored black pants. They are probably too nice to wear to work and have no pockets (as a manager, I have to carry things around all day, so need pockets). But for $14 I couldn't resist getting them.

And they are dress code, so I probably can't resist wearing them. Especially since clown pants do not show how much I've lost, and the nice new pants will. (It is easier for me to stay motivated when I am wearing more fitted clothes.)

I also bought a belt-- My First Belt! I don't know if the poochy is quite ready for it, but one of my goals when I first started this thing was to be able to wear an outfit involving a tank top (no untoward Arm Flab) and a belt (no egregious poochy) and a pair of jeans. I am edging closer to that goal, and now I have the belt to prove it!

I now have two whole hours off, which is a luxury for me at this time of year. I am really tempted to clean, but maybe I should go work out instead. Hmm. I haven't done that kickboxing video in a while. That might be fun.
- posted by mo @ 2:01 PM

 
Random weird experience today.

I went and met with a student today for our first lesson. We clicked really well, and I felt comfortable with her-- she's very bright, outgoing, etc. Anyway she had just gotten home from sports and offered me a piece of the pizza she was making. I said sure!

I then mentioned I had to write down my Weight Watcher points. She sort of rolled her eyes at me in a joking way, like, "Oh, that's so silly..." but laughingly. Anyway, I am not ashamed! I looked at the slice and said, "Hmm. I'll say 6 points."

"You should say it's more. Then you won't be tempted to indulge too often." Woah. Where did that come from? I then casually asked to see the nutrition information and calculated it myself-- yes, 6 points. I had been right.

Then she says, "You know, exercise is much more important..." and she starts giving me a lecture on exercise! I don't think she meant it in anything other than a friendly manner, but it was the strangest thing in the world.

I said, that I had been exercising regularly a lot longer than I had been on Weight Watchers, and then left it at that. We had a good lesson and I wasn't upset, only a little taken aback.

- posted by mo @ 7:58 PM

 
I'm not sure how to describe the week I've been having. Under points, but I haven't been eating the most balanced. I already used all my FlexPoints, and I am hurtling towards weigh-in via the method of eating as little as possible.

I did notice that on Thursday night before last week's weigh-in, I had popcorn. This week I am going to avoid popcorn the day before the meeting, just in case that's why I didn't lose very much-- salt or whatever.

I know it's not supposed to be about numbers, but I have been hovering near 40 (just above and just under) for weeks and weeks. I am ready to start chugging over to 50, and then I can hover over there.

Arm flab report: status quo.
- posted by mo @ 3:03 PM

 
Help Sarah Find Don!

And also, to keep this on topic, I still miss John Ritter.

Oh no wait-- that's not on topic. Um. I hardly ate anything yesterday! Also, my journal entry is weight-oriented.
- posted by mo @ 12:45 PM

 
I had a decadent dinner on Saturday that used up all my FlexPoints and then some. Since it was such a phenomenal meal, I want to tell you what-all I ate, though.

Triple-cream cheese with fig bread and strawberries. Camonberre (I have no idea how to spell that) cheese with more fig bread. A portobello mushroom marinated in red wine vinegar. Saffron risotto with fava beans. A half bottle of French Reisling. The best Caesar salad I've ever tasted. Lavendar flavored (yes, lavendar) creme brulee, which I will dream about forever. Coffee with cream.

Points: 932. Guilt: none.

I could have made up for it today, but today was that street festival at work, and I blew it. My boss bought a whole bunch of snacks and pizza, and even though I didn't eat even half a slice of pizza, I ate too many junky snacks and had no Flex Points to cover the difference. I just got so stressed out that I ate mindlessly.

Thankfully I have five more days to try and make up for it. Wish me luck?
- posted by mo @ 11:51 PM

 
Back on topic. After my kickass week that I've been bragging about left and right, I lost .6 of a pound.

Only .6???

I was honestly expecting at least two, and now I am still not where I was before I went on vacation. I feel like I've been hovering around the 40 pound mark for fucking ever.

I had the same problem at 20 pounds and guessed it could be a psychological block. Maybe so. It could be muscle gain, I suppose, since I exercised so much. It could be one of those delayed-reaction weeks. I have to avoid getting discouraged.

I think I did fairly well today. Tomorrow I am going out to dinner at a fancy place, so I hope that will go okay too...

I am just disappointed. I was looking forward to seeing a nice little dip in my graph-- and losing new weight at last, instead of these same few pounds over again.

But I have to tell you that I was walking around today and noticed: my legs look fabulous. I think I might be developing good legs. Yay! Maybe I should shave them more thoroughly. Nothing detracts from a good pair of legs more than sporadic patches of stubble.

These have been my random weight loss thoughts. Goodnight!



- posted by mo @ 1:08 AM

 
Oh my god, my heart is broken. John Ritter died today, at the unbearably young age of 54. I have had a crush on him since I was a little girl. I can't believe it.

This was one of the celebrity deaths I always knew would hit me really hard. I am seriously in shock. I loved John Ritter. Absolutely loved him.

I can't believe he's gone.



According to this John Ritter fan page, there's a Three's Company marathon on Nick at Nite on Monday. I really wish I had Nick at Nite so I could watch this. I don't care if it was an empirically bad show!

I know, you had no idea I was such a huge John Ritter fan. Well, I am.
- posted by mo @ 12:47 PM

 
Ugh.

I've had doctors like this. I haven't been pregnant, obviously, so I've never had this precise experience, but I've definitely had doctors peer down their noses and cluck at me about losing weight.

I remember I always wanted the drugs. I wanted the drugs that Alex P. Keaton was on in Family Ties when he painted his bedroom at three in the morning. Mallory's friend's fat-girl drugs! I can't be the only fat girl who was at the doctor thinking, "Fuck you, I've seen Family Ties. Fork over the speed!"

But the doctors, those skinny doctors, always kept their prescription slips in their pockets. "Join our fat support group." "Go to Weight Watchers meetings." "Join Jenny Craig." "Eat less." "Exercise more."

And of course, it both is and is not that easy. We don't do it until we're ready. And how do we get ready? If only I knew for sure.

I think that some thin person standing there and making it sound so easy is alienating and does not help us at all. I think the real key is seeing someone else who struggles with the same things you do-- a frantic lifestyle, a weakness for cookies, a damnably slow metabolism-- who KNOWS how hard it is but who makes it happen anyway.

I was inspired by someone who was inspired by someone else. I hope I have inspired people in turn-- I've been told that I have. I think that's rad.

I used to feel the need to hide away my efforts to diet, because I was ashamed of them. I think that this set me up with permission to fail, which I always did. Then I saw Janis being so open about her points, and her Weight Watchers meetings, and she was losing weight! And nobody laughed at her behind her back. Everyone talked about how well she was doing, and how hard it must be.

And I thought, if I really want to succeed, I will have to tell everyone. I will have to announce it to the world! I will have to tell the whole internet! I knew that the accountability would be what kept me going.

Now I will tell anyone I am on Weight Watchers-- even guys I am trying to impress, which is fairly amazing. I mean, who wants to point out her own fatness? Not fat girls. We're all sort of hoping nobody else notices.

Now, more than ever, I really have a sense of "accept this body, or go away." I am not interested in dating anyone who is waiting around for the skinny Mo to emerge. I am not interested in dating anyone who doesn't want to learn who I am, which includes my struggles with losing weight. I think I'm sexy: past, present, future. I contain multitudes. Date all of me, or don't date me at all.

Anyway. A couple of years ago I got my first overweight doctor. I still miss having her as my gyno. She was understanding and supportive and healthy and full of energy and I loved her.

(Once she came into Starbucks and I recognized her when she said hello to me, but couldn't place her. We chatted in a friendly manner and then after she left, I realized I had last seen her staring up my vagina with a flashlight. No wonder it took me a minute.)

And then when I got new insurance, I got new doctor. Before she could even bring up my weight I said, "Don't worry, I'm on Weight Watchers! I biked to your office!" Yeah, I was eager for her approval. For once, I wanted the thin doctor to give me some praise instead of a gentle lecture.

"Oh, which meeting do you go to?" she said. "I go on Wednesday mornings."

It turns out, some of those thin people weren't always thin. It turns out, some people aren't quite what you expect. Maybe the skinny doctor knows what it's like to go on a cookie binge.

You never know. You just never know.
- posted by mo @ 11:21 PM

 
After posting the below and noting the timestamp: Beth is right. It will never be just a date, will it?

Rather than identifying a tragedy with a name-- like "Pearl Harbor" or "Hiroshima" or something-- the date has become the identifier. The event is "September 11." That's the symbol for it. That's the universal code.
- posted by mo @ 2:53 PM

 
Based on a True Conversation

"This is my new shirt. It says 'Here's My Poochy!' but I don't care."

"No, it's sexy. I think it's more like 'Hooray For Boobies!'"

"Cool."
- posted by mo @ 2:49 PM

 
Yes, yes yes! This is my week, man. This is my week!

I have 18 FlexPoints left, and tomorrow is my last day before weigh-in. Today I had a fairly big lunch (involving fresh peach pie, no less) and managed to avoid snacking at work afterwards. Instead, I had figs and a salad for dinner, plus a couple of coffees, and I am at my target for the day.

I am currently nuking some of that 2-point popcorn (the "Getting Started" book claims it is 1-point popcorn...) because I have been sitting here for half an hour getting hungrier and hungrier, and what the hell? I only need to save 12 FlexPoints. That gives me 6 extra points tomorrow, if I need them.

I can't wait for Friday. I can feel the poochy disappearing as we speak.


- posted by mo @ 10:50 PM

 
Today's Menu

Double short nonfat caramel macchiatto: 2 points (Work at 8 am? What?)
Some scone: 2 points (probably less)
Coffee con panna: 1 point
Salad (with asparagus spears): 0 points
Four small figs: 1 point
Spicy green bean sesame-seed salad: 3 points (possibly less)
Short nonfat white mocha: 2 points
Sample of a caramel bar: 1 point
Popcorn (which I wrote down but haven't had yet): 2 points
Honey mustard turkey sandwich: 5 points
Chocolate chip cookie: 5 points

Total points: 26
Fruits and veggies: 5+, Water: 5+, Milk: 2+, Exercise: Yes

You may notice how much of this is drinks and snacks at work. I'm working on it! I'm working on it. I'm not going to feel too bad about it. I can definitely feel myself losing this week. You know what's weird? Losing three pounds per week is like, half a pound per day. Am I thinner now than I was this morning? Will I wake up half a pound lighter?
- posted by mo @ 7:00 PM

 
I had a frustrating experience in Target today. I was shopping for new work clothes, since currently all I have are clown pants and clown shirts. I could not for the life of me find a pair of pants that worked. I am still too skinny for the fat clothes, and too fat for the skinny clothes. I was demoralized by the whole ordeal.

I had the same experience with the shirts until I was headed for the exit door all "Kiss my ever-evolving ass, Target!" and found a perfect shirt in the normal people's section. I went and tried it on and my first thought was, "Of course, it doesn't fit. It's too short."

And then I thought, well, why does it need to be shorter? It fits to the waist, it just doesn't cover my poochy stomach. And then I realized my stomach is less poochy than it used to be. In fact, it's un-poochy enough that the shirt might just work. So I bought it.

Maybe I won't look very glam tomorrow, when I go to work in my clown pants and "here's my poochy" shirt. But I'll be wearing an apron, and the odds are, it really won't matter at all.
- posted by mo @ 6:45 PM

 
I have 20 FlexPoints left for the week. That means if I want to save 12, I have 8 more to use over the next, what, three days? That's not bad. I hope I won't need them at all, but we'll see. I've also eaten all my fruits and veggies and had all my water. I feel like it's been a good week. 40 pounds here I come! (Again.)

Janis and I were chatting about the plan today. It turns out we both do the same thing-- have essentially one meal per day and snack the rest of the day. I guess if I planned better, I could carve three menus a day out of my points. I am just too much on the go, my schedule is too weird. I run around until I am ravenous, and then eat almost all my points. Then I graze the rest of the day.

Grazing is supposed to be good, though, right?

Hmm. I am going to go take a vitamin now, just in case.
- posted by mo @ 8:08 PM

 
Oh, and P.S.

I ate too much today.
- posted by mo @ 11:33 PM

 
I biked 6.4 miles yesterday. Originally I was going to "I'm tired" my way out of the whole thing for no good reason, but then I went to the bike shop and once I had new chain lube and really nice gloves and a SHINY BELL, I realized I might as well go for a ride! (And, um, the new Kelly Clarkson CD, I also had. I, um, found it in the street.)

I ended up going the long way around, which I hadn't done for a while. It's usually windy, but yesterday was calm and the sun was low in the sky-- so why not look at the skyline some more?

Today my car made a funny light, so I ended up commuting home from the car dealership after work. I stored my bike in the storage room at work, and every time I went in there during my shift, I felt a little spurt of glee. Yay! I get to ride home! I don't know why I felt so joyful about it since it would be late and I would be tired.

When I got off work at 9:30, it was a calm night, 66 degrees, full-ish moon, cloudless sky. I left the CD player in my bag, because my headlight is broken and I really wanted to remain aware of my surroundings. They recently replaced all the asphalt by my house. Even though I had been looking forward to the ride all day, I was surprised by how peaceful and relaxing it was.

If I forget again-- remind me that I love bike riding, will you?


- posted by mo @ 11:29 PM

 
Don't Call It A "Before" Picture

Eric told me last night that I had lost so much weight he could hardly recognize me! In an effort to see what the hell he was talking about, I went looking through some old pictures. Here's one of them:

This was Christmas three years ago, last time I was in Holland. Look at how long my hair was! This picture makes me miss my long hair. Also it makes me miss my black hair, until I remember what a pain in the ass it was when it was growing out.

- posted by mo @ 2:37 PM

 
Bank Error in Your Favor: Collect $200

After work this morning, I stopped by the grocery store to get some more Healthy Choice popcorn. (Can you believe the gargantuan Albertson's by my house doesn't carry Healthy Choice?) I have been snacking on popcorn a lot-- I am a late-night snacker, and having something relatively healthy to eat at night really helps me.

Well anyway, I had been counting it as 4 points, but I didn't understand why all the books at WW said it was fewer points than that. Turns out I was slightly miscalculating (looking at "unpopped" rather than "popped" information) and a whole bag is only 2 points!

Everyone probably already knew this. But anyway, Healthy Choice popcorn, natural flavor. It doesn't have that stinky buttery feet smell, and it tastes great! (I should go into marketing.)
- posted by mo @ 2:11 PM

 
Points Target: 26

One plum: 1 point
One peech: 1 point
Double tall nonfat caramel macchiato: 3 points
Lowfat blueberry muffin: 6 points
Wendy's mandarin chicken salad: 3 points
With Caesar dressing (after I picked off the mandarins): 4 points
And crispy rice noodles: 1 point
Gross coffee at job interview: 1 point
Grande soy chai: 4 points
Two lowfat vanilla biscotti: 2 points

Total points: 26
Fruit and veggie servings 5, milk servings 2, water servings 5.

This is an example of an all-too-rare perfect day.



- posted by mo @ 9:37 PM

 
I had a huge post here, and Blogger ate it! Stupid Blogger. Let me reconstruct.

I had my weigh-in today and lost two pounds, which I immediately decided to mistrust. Like, maybe the scale was off last week, and I didn't really lose anything, or in fact I actually gained a pound. I don't even know. Anything to negate my own achievements, I guess!

This puts me right on the brink of that 40 pound loss again. The leader said "Well, you'll get a bookmark for that next time" and I said I had already gotten one, this was a re-loss. She said, "It's up to you if you choose to celebrate it again or not." I said of course I want to celebrate it again! It was harder the second time!

Also, I bought the most beautiful, dove-gray corduroy pants yesterday. I guess I could be upset that they are a size 16 when I want to be a solid 14, but they really do look great on me, and I love them very much. I could have bought a smaller size, but it's more important to wear clothes that fit and make you feel good, and I do-- confident and cute. I am going to wear them to my job interview today.

I also had a long thing in here about some things with the new Flex Plan. I think there were three main points.

1. I always felt best and lost the most weight when I ended a week with 10-12 points in the bank. I am going to incorporate that into the new system and make my goal (for this week, anyway) to have 10-12 Flex Points left over at the end of the week.

2. I also might do that thing where I take 14 of the Flex Points and distribute them throughout the week right from the get-go, thereby giving myself a higher target. This will help with the feelings of guilt and failure I have when I use the Flex Points. I don't want to operate on a premise of guilt and failure!

3. The biggest problem I have with the new plan is not the plan itself, but the journal. I don't like having to write between the lines, and I miss the feeling of every day being a new blank page, a mini-fresh start. I hope they redesign the journal at some point-- before I run out of room in my old one. I guess I can always buy a blank book or something, but it won't be the same.

I think that was all. Don't eat this post, Blogger!
- posted by mo @ 1:54 PM

 
I don't think I like the new FlexPlan-- or whatever the hell hybrid of FlexPlan and OldPlan I find myself doing this week. Through creative math, obfuscation, and denial, I am eating "whatever" but have convinced myself I am still on the program.

This has been a cry for help.
- posted by mo @ 10:07 PM