We did a poll in a bar once, and the poll was, "What one thing, sexually, would you never want to go without?" I picked kissing without hesitation. The first kiss, the goodbye kiss, and all the kisses in between. The during-sex kiss, the after-certain-types-of-sex kiss, the forbidden kiss. The hungry kiss, the desperate kiss, the romantic kiss. The I-love-you kiss, the fuck-me kiss, the I-hate-you-but-I-want-you kiss. I love them all.

A kiss (and what comes along with it) is the irreplaceable part of sex. Orgasms I can give myself.

Since historically speaking I've been somewhat of a kiss-slut, I've experienced many different kinds of kissing. To be more specific, many different types of bad kissing. Pay attention here, men.

First, there was Spastic Tongue Man. He was the second person I ever kissed, and his kissing style involved flicking his tongue up and down very very fast. Spastic Tongue Man was the first in a long string of guys who seem to think that kissing a girl and going down on her require the exact same tongue motion. First of all, no. And second of all, I just realized that I've put up with a lot of substandard kissing for the sake of excellent oral sex.

There was also Swallow Your Face Guy. This guy liked to show off how wide he could open his mouth. It was just a cavern of hot air and breath, and his teeth were embedded in my cheeks, and I think he shoved his tongue up my nose once. It was like kissing an extremely slobbery Muppet.

Then there's Poke N' Thrust Man. I've had a couple of these over the years. Their kissing technique is two-step. Step one: poke tongue out of mouth. Step two: thrust tongue into other person's mouth. Repeat as desired. (Note to Poke N' Thrust Man: this is never, ever desired. Do not repeat.)

Oh, and Dental Hygiene Dude. I think everyone's kissed a Dental Hygiene Dude at one time or another. He constantly rubbed his tongue across my gums, back and forth, back and forth, in a sort of swirling motion. Was he checking to see if I'd flossed? Was he panning for gold? Was he missing the point?

Infinite Milk Boy did this one "I am lapping up milk" technique over and over and over and over again until my tongue was numb. Nibbling Girl liked to suck hard on my lips and then nibble them or... something. Not really sure what the hell she was going for there. Mr. Kung-Fu Teeth whacked his teeth against mine. Not just once or twice accidentally (because hey, it happens) but continually. Thanks for the migraine, Mr. Kung-Fu Teeth.

In addition to the above truly spectacularly bad kissers, I've kissed a whole lot of adequate-to-great kissers, enough to ensure that kissing remains my favorite thing ever.

And then, there's the hall of fame.

I can tell you the best kiss I've ever had. It was a kiss so full of hormonal teenage love that it made (as Emily Dickinson might say) the top of my head come off. It was a storybook, fairy-tale kiss, and I will never forget it.

I remember this guy Xander (who is definitely up there in the Great Kisser Gallery). I lusted after him for months and months and months, crushing hardcore, and it finally happened. We were standing outside by his car, and he was talking about something or other, and I was watching his mouth move. I realized at one point that I had no idea what he was saying. So I put my hand on the back of his neck and kissed the hell out of him.

I can tell you who wins the Best Kisser trophy of all time: the Useless Shagging Bastard. (You knew he had to have something going for him, right?) The first time we got together, we made out for three hours on the sidewalk in front of a bar. Very classy I know, but my god. My god, the man could kiss.

I could try to tell you what makes a great kiss. At least in my world-- you might be into the Spastic Tongue or Kung-Fu Teeth for all I know.

On the commentary track for My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Nia Vardalos says something to the effect of, "Hold our heads when you kiss us. That's all we really want, guys. Hold our heads." She's not wrong. Hold our heads. Put your hands in our hair. This increases the kiss-quality exponentially.

There needs to be a firm amount of pressure applied, and maybe a slight bit of suction. (It was only recently that I discovered this has been my secret kiss strategy all this time. A little bit of suction. It sounds weird in theory, and it makes squeaky noises, and for all I know there is some guy writing a journal entry right now about Freaky Squeaky Sucky Girl, but I think it's a winner.)

My number one cardinal kissing rule is this: pay attention to the lips. Kissing is all about the lips. You can do anything you want with your tongue, as long as you balance it out with a whole lot of lip action.

And of course, it's important to relinquish control of the kiss every so often. Take turns kissing how you like to be kissed, and letting the other person do whatever freaky stuff turns them on. "Okay, you can do Laundromat Kiss for a while, but we're doing Dueling Tongues next." If some of the above terrible kissers had just simmered down and let me kiss them for a change, we might have gotten somewhere.

I wish I could explain it better. If I close my eyes, I can envision my idea of a perfect kiss. It's much easier to do it than to explain it. The thing about kissing is that its a little magical. It's not something you can think about too hard. It's not something you can plot on a graph. And most of the time it's about who, not how.

The best kisses are the ones where the blood is rushing to your ears, and everything ceases to exist except that very moment. Love produces kisses like that. So does lust. And the very best kisses contain a little bit of each.