You know how goal-oriented I am? How I have seventy-two big ambitious projects going on at once, and I am racked with guilt if I'm not working on them all simultaneously? How I got up today at six in the morning, went to work for seven hours, came home and biked twenty miles because that's how many miles I was "supposed" to bike today?

That's gotta get annoying, and I'm sorry.

But I'll let you in on a little secret. I have to live my life this way, according to lists and statistics and stuff. It is the only way I can overcome my innate laziness. Because I tell you, by nature, I am an utter and complete slug.

Do you want to hear my ideal day? First, I'd have the most comfortable bed in the world, and I'd sleep for like, fourteen hours or something. I'd wake up and go out for brunch, with fluffy french toast, and hash browns, orange juice and a mocha or something, and about eight billion pieces of bacon.

Then I'd lay around for a while (you know, digesting) and I'd read something that requires the use of no brain cells whatsoever. Like, eight Babysitters Club books or something. Then I'd watch a Real World marathon of some kind. Then I'd eat chocolate.

Next, I'd go to a movie. I'd find a parking spot right outside of the theater so I didn't have to walk at all. Then I'd get popcorn and candy (definitely more chocolate) and a giant coke, and maybe some nachos and a churro. I'm sure you're seeing the pattern here. It's like gluttony and sloth vying for the upper hand.

After the movie (a guilty pleasure like Bring it On) I'd go home and play a computer game for about seventeen hours. I might also check my email, my page stats and the latest recaps at TWoP. I'd stay up until three in the morning, eating squeeze cheese and drinking Coke. And then I'd go to bed, and sleep for sixteen hours.

Notice that my perfect day does not involve exercise or the noble pursuit of knowledge. Hell, it doesn't even involve showering.

You may think I'm exaggerating. But trust me, it is wholly possible for me to live this way. It basically describes my Christmas vacation. Tim and I used to spend entire weekends in this manner. If left to my own devices, this would be my day-to-day existence. I would weigh 400 pounds, and I'd have the conversational skills of a turnip.

Hence, the goals and the lists and shit. But this backfires on me too. Like today. As I mentioned, I worked an early shift this morning and then went on my long bike ride. And now I'm having to tell myself, over and over again, Monique, for the rest of the night, you can do anything you want. Yes, anything. You can go to the movies, or play the Sims, or watch DVDs, or go out for sushi. You can watch TV, or hang out on the internet, or write poetry, or whatever. YOU DONT HAVE TO ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING ELSE TODAY.

These pep talks never work. I guarantee you that by the time the night is over, I will have updated my reading list, done my laundry, worked on poetry submissions and read some more of that damn Russian novel. Or I won't do any of that stuff, but I'll feel horribly guilty about it. It's all or nothing with me. I never know when to give myself a break.

There are other days like the ones described above. Where all my best laid plans go to hell, and I do, in fact, lay in front of the TV and eat strawberry pop tarts for three meals in a row.

I haven't quite gotten the hang of balancing everything yet. I don't know how far to push myself. I'm always suspecting myself of laziness, even if on paper I've been anything but lazy. Like today.

I'm learning, though. How to prioritize, at least, which I think is step one. Like right now, for instance, I'm looking around and my bedroom is a disaster, I have clothes that need washing and my carpet needs to be vacuumed desperately. On the other hand, I have plenty of clean underwear, the birds have been fed, and all my bills are paid.

To hell with it. I'm going out for sushi.

"I resolve to answer e-mail at a reasonable rate and to return phone calls. I resolve to have long conversations with my friends once in a while. I resolve to make plans and not flake on them. And I resolve to do all of this while still being a responsible student, a prolific writer, an entertaining journaler and a happy camper. "